Jeff is the ultimate theme park enthusiast, regularly spending many hours lost looking into a mirror perfecting their permanent Alan Schilke cosplay.
The latest attraction from Thorpe Park comes in the form of a YouTube video that you can watch at home. The exceedingly long named attraction, We Experience Black Mirror Labyrinth VIP Exclusive Press Launch, is a UK first multi-dimensional sensory experience, combining strobe lighting, disorienting special effects and regularly placed jarring adverts for Nord VPN. The experience is best viewed on a large TV, however the strategic minds at Merlin Magic Marketing ensured accessibility by ensuring it could also be viewed on tablet, phone and even a phone held incorrectly for video viewing.
Much like Black Mirror creator Charlie Brooker not knowing much about this new attraction, Jeff went into the experience with little knowledge of the International Emmy Award Winning worldwide Channel 4 and Netflix sensation. Jeff does know how to hang a mirror though.
Before starting the experience, there are a few prerequisites that must be performed, and the YouTube video makes this a straight forward process. First you must take off your government mandated face covering and get someone to stand uncomfortably close to take a photo of yourself not smiling. Jeff notes that Jeff was able to do this safely, securely and legally, because Jeff was alone at home and just took a Jelfie. Jeff believes it is important not to smile, as the attraction wants an accurate representation of how you'll react on the attraction for easier identity tracking. Finally, you should like and subscribe.
The whole experience was amazing fun
Jeff was then led through the attraction with its lots of lights, mirrors and holding points. A little confused as to what was happening, Jeff was reassured to be told by the YouTube video that Jeff was having fun. The whole experience was amazing fun.
But then once the YouTube video ended, another video of the attraction was immediately recommended. Was this a knock off, an impersonation of the video Jeff had just previously seen? The seemingly poorly mimicked Bugs Bunny trademark introduction made it seem this was the case.
So once again Jeff followed the instructions. Mask off for photo; "enjoy" the lights, mirrors and holding points; like and subscribe. But now Jeff was told to feel that this was an even better attraction than Jeff had previously been told to think.
Jeff was confused.
More recommended videos appeared and Jeff descended down a rabbit hole of liking, subscribing and occasionally ringing a bell. This was truly a world first experience. As the videos went on Jeff was told to think the attraction was breathtaking, legendary and an instant classic. Jeff wanted to think that it was becoming slightly tedious and monotonous, but those weren't thoughts the videos instructed Jeff to have, therefore Jeff wasn't allowed to have them.
Jeff now wanted cake
At some point over the course of 12 hours of mindlessly watching perhaps the same set of videos on repeat, Jeff was unsure as Jeff had lost the ability to differentiate between them, the attraction took a dark twist as it pointed to something called an Instagram. Jeff was confused by the Instagram, as the requirement to like and subscribe had been replaced with love and follow. After being programmed all this time to like and subscribe, this change was alien and terrifying. Thankfully Jeff found the content transition became easier elsewhere, as now Jeff was only ever told to think two ways: to consider "how amazing is this?", and to thank Thorpe Park. The videos were also far shorter and seemingly only showed a reflective cake. Jeff now wanted cake.
But after a day, the Instagram's disappeared. Gone were the instructions of how to think and feel. No more was the cake. Jeff desperately went to the accounts in Jeff's search history to try and remember who Jeff needed to thank, but instead just found videos of people not wearing many clothes. This isn't the experience Jeff remembered.
But had Jeff remembered incorrectly?
Perhaps Jeff had just imagined an existential Hocus Pocus Hall? The world's most expensive mirror maze?
Did Thorpe Park even exist, or was it just a temporary illusion caused by random electronic impulses and the promise of cake?
Jeff knew the answer was somewhere in YouTube or Instagram. Jeff just had to find it. Jeff needed the content. Jeff needed to know how to feel. Jeff would return once this existentialist void had been filled. It must only be one more like and subscribe away.
Editors Note: We don't believe Black Mirror Labyrinth was awarded the coveted Seal* of Approval, although we haven't seen Jeff in a few days.